Clouds...???

Hey bloggers.. I missed yesterday blog time coz of the poor signal. Yesterday was a Friday. We got to class at about 8.20 and went back at 8.50am hahaha.. What a waste of make-up, water which we took the morning bath with and electricity to iron the baju kurung ehehehe. Despite for it being the last day of the weekDAYS, I felt really bored when afternoon arrived. After the beauty nap that I took (hehe), I wasted most of my time to Google the net and so on.




The evening was unusually windy; I guess it was a sign it was going to POUR night time (it did!). When I looked over my housemates@roomates, both of them were soundly asleep, Nel was not feeling well and effa was huggin' wowow, guess she was just tired, Teja was somewhere outside, doing her own stuff. There I was, laying flat on my bed, next to the open window with just the curtain covering it. Earphones stucked to my ears with all the best hits from the past and suddenly the wind came gushing in, blowing nice cool breeze to my face and I saw the most spectacular view..I saw the clouds, beautifully arranged by the wind, and the ray of sun behind it giving it a silver glow, I snapped a few pictures of it, but the movements of the cloud...slow and steady moving across the sky and forming a new formation every second really makes my mind think, how wonderfully God's creation fit nicely to our surroundings.



I felt... relaxed, relief and also sad, for the times that I shed painful tears to cry over matters of life which hurt me in the past and I forgot to see all this, the things around me, other things which would make me think of HOPE. In the past, I go through life's sucky moments by booze, tobacco, tattoos and noise, lots of em. I felt sad because I grew to know that those were the things that would take the pain away (prayed to God too but I guess I didn’t surrender everything, my bad) ...I overlooked at other things which were there all along. Teary at first, but feeling contented I forgive myself for everything that I have done. Yes, I am happy, wacko and I laugh like there's no tomorrow ~ but sometimes I think to smile is easier than telling people what is actually hurting you : ) it's a great cover-up for a messed up mind ~



Clouds... at first it was a dark clouds surrounding the sun and then there was light. I guess life is like that, sometimes you are living in JOY and sometimes you just have to go through the PAIN as well, it's just that the way of handling it differs from one being to another. I spent a few hours just watching them, thinking how fast life is passing me by.... and all the bumpy roads in life that was delaying the journey and to mourn over it would be wasting more time AND they will never stop coming! Problems, hurts and turmoil will keep on coming and coming and coming causing crisis. Moreover, Psycho sociologically speaking (hehehe from psychology class), a human being will only cross to another level in their life if the crisis on the current stage is settled. So, there you have it, factual statements that life is just full of problems hehe..



Thinking about the clouds yesterday, and the pondering thoughts that I had, I pray to God that I will be better in terms of overcoming situations and in the future, to remember that there is more to life than shit.. : ) THERE IS HOPE.

Here are a few shots of it. It's not that good of a quality picture, but be content ok..lol that’s the best I can do with my cheap cell phone. Hehe



Clouds, thank you.

I freakin wonder why...

      Look at the time, 6.19 pm and I just took my bath extremely earlier than usual because of the rain, yup, i got poured. Today went as the usual Thursday that I had before. Usually the great thing about Thursdays is that it indicates that the next day, which is Friday, is the last day of class for that week and on Thursdays we have QSS subject, activies, events, games and contest going on for the whole bunch. However, today went .. urm.... I'd rather not start commenting on the event. I'd rather not. Hehe.. superfreaking sensitive issue... hehe

    So, there I was, sitting, not really interested at first, something turned my 'interested' mode off, but when I saw the clip about the END OF DAYS... woahh.... It really caught my attention! As I sat there, watching in awe and making remarks, even pondering if I were those people in that clip, I blurted out a word 'Astaga' and this person looked behind and made this cynical and absolutely sarcastic look at me! and all I did was say 'astaga'! (For those who do not understand, the meaning of the word is.. urm.. well, it couldnt be define exactly what the meaning is, sometimes it's an expression people in Sabah use, I refuse to believe that it is the short form of how muslim say "O my God".. takkan lah ada short2 form pulak kan?) So as I was saying, why on earth does she have to give me that kind of look, as if I dont know anything about the world? Or as if what I said was superfreaking sinful? EEEeeeee...!!!!!

   However, I refuse to let it 'eat' me... but the next time another person or that same person does that to me again, I'm gonna pop the question 'What the hell is wrong with me saying 'Astaga'???' But that was it... the end of the evening..

  A call suddenly came, and when I looked at the caller ID, I smiled. wink wink

‘If it’s true that we are fighting a WAR everyday,“What are YOU fighting for?’

‘If it’s true that we are fighting a WAR everyday,
“What are YOU fighting for?’
By
Esther D. Kimsiong

-WAR- oxford defines it as a state of armed conflict between different nations or states, or armed groups ~ a state of competition, conflict or hostility ~ I was taken by a phrase that I heard from a movie called ‘The Freedom Writers’. It goes ‘Everyday we are all fighting our own War’. If that was true, then what am I fighting for today? What about yesterday or tomorrow? If I am a soldier here on earth, what am I actually representing? What matters that I cared most to stand up and fight for?

Is it love? The one thing that could lift me up, high enough to feel the touch of heaven only to risk myself to fall harder to the ground which, from the effect of its failure, can lead me to loose my mind or even worse, have my heart shattered to pieces and hoped never to love again? If it is love that I am fighting for every single day, then I think this life is a never ending war.

Or maybe I am fighting for my pride? Another element that I have within me to justify the way I am towards others. The one thing that I have that enables me to walk around people with my head held up high even though deep in my heart, I knew that my weaknesses are visible in their eyes. Pride of oneself is what strengthens me from the fall that I just had, and by that, inspires me to say ‘Hey, so what? Everyone falls. Today just happens to be my turn.’ Although, too much pride can lead me astray, right? So is that MY war?

If I am fighting a war against my desires, be it both emotionally or other parts of my well being that is incorporated with life, will it be worth it? Everyday we fight within ourselves on what we want and what we need but then another question arises; how do you determine whether something that we need is actually what we want or the other way around. How can we be really sure of which desires to obey and which to fight off? If you are really digging inside my head at the moment, then maybe you can understand that I’m starting to feel restless.

Maybe I am fighting for attention like how I see it in the young adult movies nowadays. Ugly girl being made fun off in school or workplace then something happened and she somehow transformed herself to something more appealing to others then in the end, be on top of her world. Is that what I’m fighting for? Must I fight to be appealing to others? Why must I change myself to please others? Shouldn’t we follow what is taught to us, to love and accept ourselves the way we are because God’s creations are beautiful, aren’t they? Why must it matter if we are deformed, crippled, have crossed-eyes, overweight or too skinny, or maybe our eyes are too small or poor, incapable and the list goes on. Why must it matter and should I fight to defend what I am or fight to become what the society wants me to be? (Sighs) This is getting more complicated than I thought.

I mentioned ‘on top of the world’ in the above paragraph and a thought suddenly came to me; I may be fighting for position. Position possibly in the society perhaps, position in a community, be it big or small since we were taught by the commercials on TV and the people around us that ‘everything big started small’. Position equals Power. Power equals Influence over others. When you have it, you can manufacture consent be it by coercion or persuasion. No matter where the position is held, you will still have this ‘gift’ (wait a minute, is it really a gift? Or a curse?) When you have power, it can lead to the abuse of it, if that happens, where would I stand? FIGHT FOR POWER or AGAINST IT? Either one, it is still war, right?

I guess by critically understanding the phrase ‘‘Everyday we are all fighting our own War’’, I realized something. To some, life is nothing but a routined programme that we go through every single day. I use to sit in my room hoping that I may have the chance to do something that will challenge me. I didn’t thought of the little emotions that we have everyday is actually a challenge that we have to go through. Is it not a challenge of oneself to let the heart to fall deeply with a stranger and call it love? Is it not a challenge for oneself to fight the feeling to have the power to control over others or be controlled? Is it not a conflict to even think of the answers for the questions that one faced?

(sigh) Maybe it is a war. A different kind of war. Maybe we are facing ‘conflict’ everyday. Maybe we are fighting for something within, the turmoil of emotions, desires and so on. Maybe….. What do you think? Are you fighting your own war everyday…? : ) Take a minute and ask yourself.