updates

Dear bloggers, it’s 1.32am and I am still awake. I can’t sleep and I don’t wonder why. Lately, I’ve been staying up quite late, doing the usual, wasting time, these eyes are just not sleepy yet. Anyway, it’s been quite a while since my last entry, I think the last one was right before Raya break. It funny how I have all the time in the world to write during Raya but I didn’t, nothing interesting going on during that time, I just had fun with my beloved friends here (albert, wote, milut, cliff) and I got to know a few more too (yazid, Frid, wan) It was fun, I really relaxed myself and it was not till the last few days before I went back to Perak that I started doing my assignments. Geez, the nightmare of it…I stayed up the whole night till freaking morning and slept for a few hours, rushed to the commuter station to catch the early train to Tg. Malim with my housemates coz I missed the bus (Damn!). Exhausted when I got here and then rally the whole night with Nel to finish up the work. The result was pathetic. The next day, (after being late to arrive in class and missing about 12 out of 20 questions of the Slide Show Quiz that I was suppose to take) I compared my work with my other course mates, WOAH! The shock I was in was dreadful! Mine was terrible and I felt stupid when I made comparisons. However, the damage was done, I have no one else to blame but myself. (Shoot Me! Bang! Bang!)

After the nightmare I had with my assignments, things started to slow down, I still hate myself for wasting my freaking time on movie rally during the holidays. Aiming for final, IF it is possible.

Relationships always do have their ups and downs. Mine is always rocky. Maybe it’s about the distance and the past unfortunate and hurtful events that took place in my love life made me the way I am towards the relationship now. He has to bear it all. I gave him a hard time to maintain my horrifying anger management. So far, he is still surviving. I just hate it when he keeps doing the same f***ing (mind my language) mistakes. The little ones like forgetting to tell me when he is going out and so on. It annoys me because I do not do that kind of mistakes many times because I know he hates it, it’s not fair to me and I made this point clear but it is still super freaking happens from time to time to the extend that I eventually asked him why does he always repeat the same mistakes! Urghh. Men are like that, I suppose, they put themselves before others and that’s why they don’t care about making changes but WE have to make changes to suit them! And still, above all this, men and women still do fall for LOVE the DEVIL, hehe.. don’t we ?

Momo is out of sight (of course, I never met him hehe), out of touch, not completely out of mind but fading. Another good example of putting HIMSELF before others and other things around him just to get on with what he wants. I can’t survive with a friend like that! Stanley, a stranger who recently started calling, suddenly text me today saying that I am embarrassed of having him as a friend, telling me that he is not worthy enough for me, I have better background than him, which was a shocker to me. I felt sad that he thought I felt that way about him. I don’t know what to say to him, but I am planning to send him an e-mail, to give a nice closure, I feel bad about it. Was it something I said, something I did? I wonder.

Now, I think I will try to get some sleep. Nel and Teja is already drifting in Dreamland, Effa is watching something.. ME, signing off..

Good Night

The Reader,supposedly earlier post hehe but i dozed off

Hey bloggers;

I would like to start off today;s entry by proudly announcing that today is the start of Hari Raya Break. I am heading off to Seremban this evening. Now, the time is approximately 2.11am as I write, both roomates are sound asleep. All I can hear is the silent sound of night and the ceiling fan spinning over my head.I have just finished watching a movie called "The Reader" starring Kate Winslet(she won the Best Actress for this) and Ralph Fiennes. A story which I think is worth watching and it is not really that heavy but also not quite light too. I enjoyed it especially the main theme held close by Hannah, PRIDE. She didn't get the chance to learn to write and read but refused to admit it to other people. For that reason, she blindly enrolled herself as a guard in a fugitive camps whereby she chose 10 women everyday to be killed to make room for new women who arrived at that camp everyday. She took the blame of writing the report for an incident in the camp and she knew the other guards took chances on her because she was illiterate. She admitted because she wanted to keep her pride.

Now, have you ever felt like there's only one thing that you have in your life and you know that you need to protect it? That was the case for Hannah. Lastly, tingu sendiri...hehehe



I'll continue later.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Today is just another ordinary day, another Tuesday in the month of September. Got up slightly earlier today, slept in around 1am the night before, aahh well, bored with nothing to do. I skipped 1 class today (wink**wink), this week’s classes are just a drag on for me. I’m not the one who is fasting for the whole month but, it’s the holiday break, who the hell wouldn’t be happy about it? Hehe.

            My mind is “EMPTY” I don’t really have a lot inside it nowadays. This is good because it helped me to sleep earlier night time. Late afternoon today, a student (who shall not be named here, but I love u dear, you have me with you always) cried over the phone. She must have felt alone and she called me for comfort, I guess, man I dunno! But it kinda sucked coz I can’t be there for her.

            Mo chat with me and called me today, trying to patch things up again. He’s just so busy and sick and bla bla all the freaking time. On my side, I guess I had to understand, he seemed like a pretty nice guy, and he’s a friend in need too so…leave it to the hands of time and GOD.

            There’s something spooky going around this house but I’d rather not say. Just hope that everything will be ok.

            Lastly, tick tock tick tock.. I hear the clock ticking…holiday is just around the corner… LOL

tOdAy...

hey.. short one today... it was a regular day.. except being extra warm than usual. I got up late, rushed our way to QSS and couldn't fit into the fireman uniform for the activity but screw it, I laugh anyways (despite the fact that there's one bitch's mouth I so long to slap but couldn't coz I was shocked by the remark she made about me, f*%# u!) Anyways, I don't want to dwell in that.
  I bought a pair of new tube and spaghetti stringy and a pack of kuih bangkit kelapa for albert and the gang for hari raya in Seremban. Spent quite a lot but I don't know on what else.. from 100 bucks, I went home with 40 bucks.. Shaitts.. never mind..
  So... tomorrow I'm going to KL, I need to get out just for a few hours, I cant stand it here anymore!!! Sigh.. not in the greatest mood nowadays, I don't know why but I try not to show it when I'm in class. Talk when I want to at home...
  I miss mom and daddy. I miss my nephews and nieces back home who calls out "Mommy Ther!!!" whenever I reached home from work.. LoL... I hope I will have a good time out tomorrow.
 PEacE

One more done.. 3 more to go...

        Today was a tiring day for me and I believe it was a tiring day for Nel and another 2 members of our group. Didnt get the chance to go back so we were out from 8am til 6 in the evening. I guess our activities went out okay, despite the fact that there were only 4 of us working it out til the task was done. Oh GOd, I'm glad it's over. Now I still have 3 more asFREAKINGsignments to go through.
       Frankly speaking though, I find it really hard to do the assignments. You see, last time when I was doing my undergraduate, EVERYTHING WAS IN ENGLISH, and NO, I'm not saying that I am so superb in it, it's just that, it was english and literature. The language that I am comfortable expressing my feelings with and LITERATURE, the reason that I was able to express whatever that I think, coz there was no right or wrong answers...only right or wrong grammar.. lol..
       Today mom called. I miss her so much. They just came back from Kota Belud to attend the trial for my brother's divorce case. I better not start to bitch about the person who turned my brother's world upside down, I'll just trigger more hate, I DONT WANT THAT.
       Listening to this hymm, I just wanna say I miss God. I use to talk to HIM all the time. I don't anymore...I hope I can change that..
       ...
       Just a moment ago, Nel told me our friend, Ankadeem got into an accident and currently in ICU. I feel so shocked and sad, drawing towards the dawn of hari raya, then tragedy happened to him and his family...I will pray for him tonight... God bless him.

Need to get out..

Hey, woah.. looking at my last post.. it has been quite a while since the last time I posted something... I don't know really. I have been pre-occupied with assignments and also with some other stuff that I cant recall. What I know, for the past few weeks I've been through massive stress, compulsive anger, demonic hatred, ultimate sadness and jolly happy. Damn, time flies just like that and it's a pity I cant jot it down now, memory loss perhaps? *wink*wink*
Allowance is the 'in' issue nowadays. The DPLI's demanded on getting allowance, frankly speaking, including me! Picture this, 1 year with every month receiving your 1k++ salary and suddenly, back to school and zero entry in the bank! Moreover, the parties involved agreed to give us the allowances the latest before raya, but til now.. bad bad news. However, I still feakin hope it will, atleast before I leave town.
Amy is going to deliver sunshine soon. I kept dreaming her saying 'It's time, It's time' so, maybe it's going to be sooner than expected. I told her, animal instinct, or mother's instinct, I am familiar with but Best Friend's instinct.. haha
A need to break free.. I'm tired of Tg Malim, tired of Perak, tired of looking around UPSI and I just crave to get out! I cant wait til next week. I want to get out ...

Missing Home

    To start with,  I didn't have the chance to blog yesterday because of the assignments that I had to do. All of the weeks before this went by and I was really taking my time leisuring at home, minding less on the things I was suppose to do.. NOW, the 8th Freaking week of my study here in Perak, I suddenly feel  "Crash-Boom-Bang" all over. Submit this, Submit that, Do this and do that.. Well, it was my freaking fault that this happened, if only I started analyzing things to do earlier, it wouldnt freakin' be this way.. sigh...

   I miss mom and dad. Kept thinking about them lately and though I don't talk about them all the time, I always think about them; what are they doing, have they eaten lunch, is daddy okay? Is mommy busy cooking?. Imagining her practicing her dance steps is always something jolly to see, u know. (LMAO) On the other hand, dad is always with his own things to do since Elvira and Lala are the ones who controls the Astro and the remote control... He hardly spends his time watching badminton matches on TV. I miss the "uuuu's" and 'Aaaaaaa!!!'S" dad does whenever the player scores or made mistakes.(HEHE) Mom is always busy with something. Most of the time, she spends her time in the kitchen. Cooking, reading, writing the Sunday masses announcements and so on. In the evening, you can hear my nieces and nephews playing with each other. Shane's laughter when he calls out 'YAYA'(actually LALA), asking her to play with him. All of them, running around the house in the twilight of the day... As the night approaches, I would get ready to ride the night, the night is too beautiful to stay indoor.. haha.. or was that just another excuse to go out? lol

  Yes, I miss home. Life here is ... hurm.. empty.. everyday goes by and I face everyday's little challenges but above all, I kept thinking of home, where life actually began...

Clouds...???

Hey bloggers.. I missed yesterday blog time coz of the poor signal. Yesterday was a Friday. We got to class at about 8.20 and went back at 8.50am hahaha.. What a waste of make-up, water which we took the morning bath with and electricity to iron the baju kurung ehehehe. Despite for it being the last day of the weekDAYS, I felt really bored when afternoon arrived. After the beauty nap that I took (hehe), I wasted most of my time to Google the net and so on.




The evening was unusually windy; I guess it was a sign it was going to POUR night time (it did!). When I looked over my housemates@roomates, both of them were soundly asleep, Nel was not feeling well and effa was huggin' wowow, guess she was just tired, Teja was somewhere outside, doing her own stuff. There I was, laying flat on my bed, next to the open window with just the curtain covering it. Earphones stucked to my ears with all the best hits from the past and suddenly the wind came gushing in, blowing nice cool breeze to my face and I saw the most spectacular view..I saw the clouds, beautifully arranged by the wind, and the ray of sun behind it giving it a silver glow, I snapped a few pictures of it, but the movements of the cloud...slow and steady moving across the sky and forming a new formation every second really makes my mind think, how wonderfully God's creation fit nicely to our surroundings.



I felt... relaxed, relief and also sad, for the times that I shed painful tears to cry over matters of life which hurt me in the past and I forgot to see all this, the things around me, other things which would make me think of HOPE. In the past, I go through life's sucky moments by booze, tobacco, tattoos and noise, lots of em. I felt sad because I grew to know that those were the things that would take the pain away (prayed to God too but I guess I didn’t surrender everything, my bad) ...I overlooked at other things which were there all along. Teary at first, but feeling contented I forgive myself for everything that I have done. Yes, I am happy, wacko and I laugh like there's no tomorrow ~ but sometimes I think to smile is easier than telling people what is actually hurting you : ) it's a great cover-up for a messed up mind ~



Clouds... at first it was a dark clouds surrounding the sun and then there was light. I guess life is like that, sometimes you are living in JOY and sometimes you just have to go through the PAIN as well, it's just that the way of handling it differs from one being to another. I spent a few hours just watching them, thinking how fast life is passing me by.... and all the bumpy roads in life that was delaying the journey and to mourn over it would be wasting more time AND they will never stop coming! Problems, hurts and turmoil will keep on coming and coming and coming causing crisis. Moreover, Psycho sociologically speaking (hehehe from psychology class), a human being will only cross to another level in their life if the crisis on the current stage is settled. So, there you have it, factual statements that life is just full of problems hehe..



Thinking about the clouds yesterday, and the pondering thoughts that I had, I pray to God that I will be better in terms of overcoming situations and in the future, to remember that there is more to life than shit.. : ) THERE IS HOPE.

Here are a few shots of it. It's not that good of a quality picture, but be content ok..lol that’s the best I can do with my cheap cell phone. Hehe



Clouds, thank you.

I freakin wonder why...

      Look at the time, 6.19 pm and I just took my bath extremely earlier than usual because of the rain, yup, i got poured. Today went as the usual Thursday that I had before. Usually the great thing about Thursdays is that it indicates that the next day, which is Friday, is the last day of class for that week and on Thursdays we have QSS subject, activies, events, games and contest going on for the whole bunch. However, today went .. urm.... I'd rather not start commenting on the event. I'd rather not. Hehe.. superfreaking sensitive issue... hehe

    So, there I was, sitting, not really interested at first, something turned my 'interested' mode off, but when I saw the clip about the END OF DAYS... woahh.... It really caught my attention! As I sat there, watching in awe and making remarks, even pondering if I were those people in that clip, I blurted out a word 'Astaga' and this person looked behind and made this cynical and absolutely sarcastic look at me! and all I did was say 'astaga'! (For those who do not understand, the meaning of the word is.. urm.. well, it couldnt be define exactly what the meaning is, sometimes it's an expression people in Sabah use, I refuse to believe that it is the short form of how muslim say "O my God".. takkan lah ada short2 form pulak kan?) So as I was saying, why on earth does she have to give me that kind of look, as if I dont know anything about the world? Or as if what I said was superfreaking sinful? EEEeeeee...!!!!!

   However, I refuse to let it 'eat' me... but the next time another person or that same person does that to me again, I'm gonna pop the question 'What the hell is wrong with me saying 'Astaga'???' But that was it... the end of the evening..

  A call suddenly came, and when I looked at the caller ID, I smiled. wink wink

‘If it’s true that we are fighting a WAR everyday,“What are YOU fighting for?’

‘If it’s true that we are fighting a WAR everyday,
“What are YOU fighting for?’
By
Esther D. Kimsiong

-WAR- oxford defines it as a state of armed conflict between different nations or states, or armed groups ~ a state of competition, conflict or hostility ~ I was taken by a phrase that I heard from a movie called ‘The Freedom Writers’. It goes ‘Everyday we are all fighting our own War’. If that was true, then what am I fighting for today? What about yesterday or tomorrow? If I am a soldier here on earth, what am I actually representing? What matters that I cared most to stand up and fight for?

Is it love? The one thing that could lift me up, high enough to feel the touch of heaven only to risk myself to fall harder to the ground which, from the effect of its failure, can lead me to loose my mind or even worse, have my heart shattered to pieces and hoped never to love again? If it is love that I am fighting for every single day, then I think this life is a never ending war.

Or maybe I am fighting for my pride? Another element that I have within me to justify the way I am towards others. The one thing that I have that enables me to walk around people with my head held up high even though deep in my heart, I knew that my weaknesses are visible in their eyes. Pride of oneself is what strengthens me from the fall that I just had, and by that, inspires me to say ‘Hey, so what? Everyone falls. Today just happens to be my turn.’ Although, too much pride can lead me astray, right? So is that MY war?

If I am fighting a war against my desires, be it both emotionally or other parts of my well being that is incorporated with life, will it be worth it? Everyday we fight within ourselves on what we want and what we need but then another question arises; how do you determine whether something that we need is actually what we want or the other way around. How can we be really sure of which desires to obey and which to fight off? If you are really digging inside my head at the moment, then maybe you can understand that I’m starting to feel restless.

Maybe I am fighting for attention like how I see it in the young adult movies nowadays. Ugly girl being made fun off in school or workplace then something happened and she somehow transformed herself to something more appealing to others then in the end, be on top of her world. Is that what I’m fighting for? Must I fight to be appealing to others? Why must I change myself to please others? Shouldn’t we follow what is taught to us, to love and accept ourselves the way we are because God’s creations are beautiful, aren’t they? Why must it matter if we are deformed, crippled, have crossed-eyes, overweight or too skinny, or maybe our eyes are too small or poor, incapable and the list goes on. Why must it matter and should I fight to defend what I am or fight to become what the society wants me to be? (Sighs) This is getting more complicated than I thought.

I mentioned ‘on top of the world’ in the above paragraph and a thought suddenly came to me; I may be fighting for position. Position possibly in the society perhaps, position in a community, be it big or small since we were taught by the commercials on TV and the people around us that ‘everything big started small’. Position equals Power. Power equals Influence over others. When you have it, you can manufacture consent be it by coercion or persuasion. No matter where the position is held, you will still have this ‘gift’ (wait a minute, is it really a gift? Or a curse?) When you have power, it can lead to the abuse of it, if that happens, where would I stand? FIGHT FOR POWER or AGAINST IT? Either one, it is still war, right?

I guess by critically understanding the phrase ‘‘Everyday we are all fighting our own War’’, I realized something. To some, life is nothing but a routined programme that we go through every single day. I use to sit in my room hoping that I may have the chance to do something that will challenge me. I didn’t thought of the little emotions that we have everyday is actually a challenge that we have to go through. Is it not a challenge of oneself to let the heart to fall deeply with a stranger and call it love? Is it not a challenge for oneself to fight the feeling to have the power to control over others or be controlled? Is it not a conflict to even think of the answers for the questions that one faced?

(sigh) Maybe it is a war. A different kind of war. Maybe we are facing ‘conflict’ everyday. Maybe we are fighting for something within, the turmoil of emotions, desires and so on. Maybe….. What do you think? Are you fighting your own war everyday…? : ) Take a minute and ask yourself.