New Directions...

Dear bloggers,

A lot of crazy events has been happening to me lately. First on the list, I broke it off. 7 years of built-raptured-restored trust, love, understanding and loyalty.. this time, I cracked and backed out. There was something about those text messages that I read in his phone that triggered something really big within me and made me feel this shocking-yet-unbearable phobia of what may come in the future... MAYBE, MAYBe... It haven't started.. mind my word ok, it HAVEN'T started but what if I was to find out about it a month or 2 months later? It would have been evolved into something more than 'just friends', wouldn't it? The cheeky giggles and wiggles.. asking where to go, asking if they could meet later on... What was that about??? and to top it off, deleting the messages before even letting me see for myself to judge whether it was really a 'friendly' chat or something more than that.... Why must the messages be deleted???

Sigh....I guess I am so done with wasting my time, my commitment, my loyalty to someone who is not truly faithful to me... I am so tired of struggling to make this relationship happen when I have come to realize that the struggles have been more from my side. This tiredness triggered by that so-called little incident, has driven me to ask myself a question " WHAT ABOUT ME???" I mean, all this while I have been very, very, generously forgiving and not to mention, very generous in giving chances...I sacrificed whatever that I feel to make this 'thing' work! I sacrificed! but where did it lead me? HURT.

From the beginning, I knew that this might have an ugly ending. Then again, I pushed it aside and gave it a GO... because I fell in love. I didn't purposely let myself to feel it, that's why we call it 'fell in love'.. Once you feel it, You just fell...deeper and deeper...til you finally hit rock bottom.. and crash.. like me...
Not to say that it was all bad... Oh no.. A lot of memorable memories shared together and I can't help but having flashbacks of all the times spent. It was also wonderful. However, when you thought of the pain, trust me, it surpasses the beauty and will lead you to the feeling of regrets. Then again, the phrase " No regrets, they only hurt" comes to mind.

Now, I'll admit. I do miss him still but I can't get myself to start a whole new phase again... Afraid if the sequel of all this drama would have another tragic genre to it..AGAIN...I don't think I can handle it. I don't think my heart can handle it. SO, I stepped back. WOah, I feel like I need a whole lotta space for myself. To see what I have been missing, all that stuff, you know... Without thinking of what may or may not be.. I just want to live for myself for once. Maybe, One day... I'll finally see my happy ending...

I am giving MYSELF a chance, not someone else. So, if I say I wanna go for it, I'll go for it. If I say that this is too much shit, I'll go. After all, this life has only one beginning, and one definite ending.. the rest are just a whole bunch of 'MIDDLES'....in which we have to go through...
Only God knows what the future holds for me...To the new chance in my life, don't make it hard ... help me out a little, gimme a break ok...
I pray that God will give me the strength to NOT go back to that life....and patience and also endurance in finding happiness....
P/S: I have loved you enough, to let you go... TAke care.