New Directions...

Dear bloggers,

A lot of crazy events has been happening to me lately. First on the list, I broke it off. 7 years of built-raptured-restored trust, love, understanding and loyalty.. this time, I cracked and backed out. There was something about those text messages that I read in his phone that triggered something really big within me and made me feel this shocking-yet-unbearable phobia of what may come in the future... MAYBE, MAYBe... It haven't started.. mind my word ok, it HAVEN'T started but what if I was to find out about it a month or 2 months later? It would have been evolved into something more than 'just friends', wouldn't it? The cheeky giggles and wiggles.. asking where to go, asking if they could meet later on... What was that about??? and to top it off, deleting the messages before even letting me see for myself to judge whether it was really a 'friendly' chat or something more than that.... Why must the messages be deleted???

Sigh....I guess I am so done with wasting my time, my commitment, my loyalty to someone who is not truly faithful to me... I am so tired of struggling to make this relationship happen when I have come to realize that the struggles have been more from my side. This tiredness triggered by that so-called little incident, has driven me to ask myself a question " WHAT ABOUT ME???" I mean, all this while I have been very, very, generously forgiving and not to mention, very generous in giving chances...I sacrificed whatever that I feel to make this 'thing' work! I sacrificed! but where did it lead me? HURT.

From the beginning, I knew that this might have an ugly ending. Then again, I pushed it aside and gave it a GO... because I fell in love. I didn't purposely let myself to feel it, that's why we call it 'fell in love'.. Once you feel it, You just fell...deeper and deeper...til you finally hit rock bottom.. and crash.. like me...
Not to say that it was all bad... Oh no.. A lot of memorable memories shared together and I can't help but having flashbacks of all the times spent. It was also wonderful. However, when you thought of the pain, trust me, it surpasses the beauty and will lead you to the feeling of regrets. Then again, the phrase " No regrets, they only hurt" comes to mind.

Now, I'll admit. I do miss him still but I can't get myself to start a whole new phase again... Afraid if the sequel of all this drama would have another tragic genre to it..AGAIN...I don't think I can handle it. I don't think my heart can handle it. SO, I stepped back. WOah, I feel like I need a whole lotta space for myself. To see what I have been missing, all that stuff, you know... Without thinking of what may or may not be.. I just want to live for myself for once. Maybe, One day... I'll finally see my happy ending...

I am giving MYSELF a chance, not someone else. So, if I say I wanna go for it, I'll go for it. If I say that this is too much shit, I'll go. After all, this life has only one beginning, and one definite ending.. the rest are just a whole bunch of 'MIDDLES'....in which we have to go through...
Only God knows what the future holds for me...To the new chance in my life, don't make it hard ... help me out a little, gimme a break ok...
I pray that God will give me the strength to NOT go back to that life....and patience and also endurance in finding happiness....
P/S: I have loved you enough, to let you go... TAke care.

So far...

Dear bloggers,

I refuse to say that my LIFE-RADAR is on plateau. It goes against what I believe in, 'Live Life to the fullest' although sometimes, it feels like it is on flat line with the same things happening day by day, night by night...I mean 'SOMETIMES", not ALL the time... ^_^ life shouldn't be too rigid, right? hehe

First and foremost, as an introduction to this update, I would like to proudly announce that I have found a new interest in life... (LOL) FISHING... Now, as boring as it may sound to you, this is a good practice of patience for me...the anxiety in anticipating a catch! WOah! When you have finally caught one, a big one! That's the reward. This newly-discovered hobby of mine, somehow I find it very relaxing although it can stretch you out to exhaustion and at times, you may go home empty handed but I never bothered. It's a blessing if you can catch any, if you didn't then it's not yours to have...Maybe somewhere, someone out there earns those underwater creatures more than you and I learned to accept that. Sitting there from when I see the sun going down til it rises and lights up the horizon, I had time to think about myself, my life, past-present-future.

I flashed back to a few weeks ago, when I ended my practical term in Seremban. Those faces, I will never forget. Somehow, I am thankful for the people who invented Facebook ( I am sure it was for good purposes although some people violated it, in some ways) because I can always reconnect with them, my children in SMK Methodist ACS, Seremban. Not all of them, but some of them is wonderful enough for me. They still make me laugh madly even through Facebook LOL~ and friends in battle, Marlena and Nelisa, we had fun, didn't we...? I miss you guys...

I remembered when Amy came back just for 3 days. Seeing Amy and Micah, I felt so happy because of the period of time when I was away and they were away too, feeling reunited and watching Micah, all grown up made me realized how time goes by so quickly ... sweet Micah, you are one lucky fella to have lotsa mommies who cares about you, baby...

Love. (PAUSE) RELATIONSHIP.. (EVEN LONGER Pause) I can't seem to get it. I am 25 and I still don't get it. What is it? Why do I even care so much about it? It affects me so much but in all the happy stories I heard, only few survived it, the rest, destroyed. I see it everywhere. I am happy where I am now, that is, FOR NOW. Understanding reached through deep conversations and discussions but you see, even understanding needs maintaining and that's not easy... So far, I am content. The future, I can never predict nor will I ever see how it MAY end up, but keep faith close enough, maybe we'll see it through...^MajE^

Friendship has its own battle. Believe me, I have fought with it or shall I say, WE have fought with its battle together. More than 10 years of being sisters, I can never say "I HATE YOU" nor can I actually mean it. I love my sisters too much and I have shared too much in this 13 years of being together. We grew up. Not to say, that it is a reason, to explain why we drifted apart before this, but it has its role there somewhere in the 'drifting-apart'. We outlived childhood, and now we are mature women with lots of burden on our shoulders. Sisters, I am so happy to be re-united the other day and to have spent hours and hours of non-stop talking from one subject to another, til twilight time and someone's mom was waiting outside the house for her daughter to come home... hahaha... I am glad we had that, frankly speaking, that was the part which I missed the most... Our lovely, long talks accompanied by burning YOU-KNOW-WHAT.(cannot be stated, teachers' honor) LOL~

Living in this world, with my God-given family is one thing that I am thankful for. I am happy for my parents, they eventually found their heaven in each others arms in their golden years after fighting for it in the beginning of their marriage. I am also proud of my brothers and sister. My eldest finally started school again, going after his Diploma Cert to better his life and children despite of some Bi*&^ who keeps on trying to ruin his life. My sister, my only sister in this planet, who understands my past and supports my future, I love you, hehe and I am one of those who are proud of your achievements sista! May we strive even further after this...hehe..and stalky brother,who is also furthering his studies... I am proud of each and every one of u, no matter what happens, I got your backs, guys! I may not be capable of solving every problems, but I'll listen, I'll always listen.

GOD. Touch me. No matter in what way, I believe we are all united and praying to HIM. I want to depend on You again.

For now, I guess, I'm done. ^_^

Live and Love
esther

A Nobody...

I am not a poetess
But I would like to write a poem about you
about how you made my Grey sky Blue
and how deeply I feel for you

I am not a singer
But let me sing a song for you
A lullaby to shelter your night
as you sleep tight
and as you dream about heaven tonight

I am not a comedian
Though I love to see you smile
To hear your laughter from a mile away
to make sure your pain is cast away

I am a NOBODY
but let me be SOMEONE in your eyes
to fill up your days with tenderness
to guide you through every trials
and to dry your every tears....

dedicated to,
my nieces
Elvira Lauren and Euphrasia Lara

MY poem entitled : Would you still look at me?

(This is just merely a mirage of feelings coped inside of me, Questions on life, love and everything that is incorporated with this beating heart. Judge me not, Mock me not on my words.. but read and relate, for there is nothing greater than the feeling of 'understanding')

Would you still look at me?

If this smile turns upside down,
If this soft forehead gets ruined with frowns,
Would you look at me?

If these eyes no longer laughs,
If these cheeks are wet with tears,
Would you look at me?

If this gentle voice stops to whisper words of love
If this lips no longer give you warm kisses,
Tell me, Would you look at me?

And what If time devour my youth?
If the spring time of my life goes away,
and this given body wrinkled and crippled out of exhaustion of life,
My beloved, Would you still look at me?

If my maker calls my name,
If my body is finally rested underneath in dirt,
and these footsteps no longer mark the paths in this earth,
Will you still look at me?


by.
esther dks
10th May, 2010

May 7th, 2010

Dear Bloggers,

Hey, what's up..? Felling kinda great today, it is 5.38am as I am writing this blog. Last observation is over, and I am so glad that the remarks were good all the way. I am so thankful and grateful! Yeah!

In a way, I kinda miss mom and dad. Feels like it has been a long time since I last contacted them, I hope they are okay. I miss my nieces and nephews too... They are a pain in the ass but they are still dear to my heart.

Now that the final observation is over, I am anticipating the time to go home. I got a lot of stuff to take home and I am starting to wonder, how on earth am I going to take all these things back home. Sigh, I guess that is what happens when you are here for a while...

I miss my tapirs... Things have not been the same lately, but I am still hoping that one day, we will all sit together for breakfast at Seaside, I miss that moment...Growing up is not easy, now that I am grown up, I finally earn to say that with understanding this time hehehe Muah!

May, 6th 2010

Dear bloggers,

Getting tired of spending moments on thinking of the title of the blog, I decided to settle with dates instead, haha! I was about to fall asleep, but I couldn't, hehe I must recap the incidents that happened today. My class was during the 1st and 2nd period.. I don't know what happened but what I remembered was I was in the class, and nobody even bother to give respect. I stood there for a few minutes, still there was a loud noise in the class, some chinese boys were still not in their seats, watching basketball outside the classroom, some girls running around, even the class monitor and the assistant were chattering like a bunch of chirping birds on a tree, NOBODY EVEN BOTHERED TO LOOK AT ME!
I whacked the table as hard as I can and still there was this bugging buzz they made, I walked to the students at the back and whack, whack, WHACK!!!! I said, 'kurang ajar eh, cikgu di depan u made me invisible', I was so angry at that time. WHat happened? they were not this 'rude' before this! and some girl frm the class still can say, " teacher, jgn la garang sgt!" really made me feel like slapping her. I ikhlas, is getting worst!
I wonder what should I do.... sigh.......

Where should I begin....

Dear bloggers,

I forgot the last time I've posted anything.(sigh) I don't know where to begin, hehe. Let's go back to the time I was still in UPSI. During the last few weeks in UPsi,life was hard, I guess everyone was nervous and feeling scared of going to the last stage in becoming a teacher.. TEACHING PRACTICE..feeling tense even in our rented apartment. Nobody really talked to each other as much as we did before. I guess that was it, the phase that we had to go through..It;s through and I think, all of us moved on.

At the moment, I am just a month away to finishing my teaching practice here in Seremban, N9 and at this very minute, I can't put into words about the things that I have gone through as a teacher. I love teaching, I really do. Kids nowadays are the same in how I think when I was their age, but the things they do and HOW they do it is totally different! I used to smoke and think about tattoos and music and booze when I was their age, now they go beyond all of that... I guess changes are permanent.. One thing for sure, at that age, they still can't think of what's best for them, exactly how I was back then...

I love them too much to hate them.. I do get angry and sometimes I shout, I whack them and I say hurtful things, I threatened them in any ways possible, but deep down inside, I can still feel this weird feeling inside of me. Love and the sense of responsibility as their educator, their mother, their friend. I can't explain why, i just feel it in my gut. I am constantly hoping that I will have this fire burning forever...Striving to give the best to them even when I know, they won't accept it sometimes. I want to give, give and give, teach, teach and teach. (this is so corny eh) hehehe

to be continued....